| QuoteText | QuoteInfo |
| If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?” "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| If by some occurrence you find yourself falling out of a high building, just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!" | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| Why is the dove the symbol for peace? Why not the pillow? It has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak! | Another of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts |
| Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. | |
| It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. | |
| Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. | |
| Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. | |
| I almost had a psychic girlfriend. She dumped me before we met. | |
| Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs. . . Boy do I love Congress | |
| No animals were harmed in the creation of this web site. | |
| Four out of 5 voices in my head agree: I am not crazy. | |
| I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. | |
| This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. | |
| Honk if you love peace and quiet. | |
| Could there maybe be a few more fricking Indians? | George Armstrong Custer |
| A day without sunshine is like night. | |
| Ever get the feeling you're in a row boat and you're rowing like crazy, then you realize you only have 1 oar? | Roger Martin |
| Boulder, Colorado – 30 square miles of reality surrounded by insanity. . . or is it the other way around? | |
| I am MOSES. I bring you FIFTEEN- *thunk* -TEN commandments… | |
| Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. | Charles Schultz |
| I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. | Thomas Edison |
| God has no place within [school] walls just as facts have no place within organized religion! | Homer Simpson |
| Oh, sure, you can use FACTS to prove ANYTHING that's even REMOTELY true! | Homer Simpson |
| Teacher: Bart, give us an example of a modern-day paradox. Bart: Damned if you do, damned if you don't. | Bart Siimpson |
| It's a sad commentary on our educational system that 50% of all students score below the mean on standardized tests. | Roger Martin |
| People don't give our educational system enough credit. 50% of all people have above average intelligence. | Roger Martin |
| We can do anything we like as long as it's unimportant. | Theodore Kaczynski |
| The man of the future is an engineered product. | Theodore Kaczynski |
| Atheism is as much a religion as bald is a hairstyle | |
| I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. | Voltaire |
| The policy of the American government is to leave their citizens free, neither restraining nor aiding them in their pursuits. | Thomas Jefferson |
| It is morally as bad not to care whether a thing is true or not, so long as it makes you feel good, as it is not to care how you got your money, so long as you have got it. | Carl Sagan, Demon Haunted World |
| It was, of course, a lie that you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it. | Albert Einstein |
| When once we quit the basis of sensation, all is in the wind. To talk of immaterial existences, is to talk of nothings. To say that the human soul, angels, God, are immaterial, is to say they are nothings, or that there is no God, no angels, no soul. I cannot reason otherwise. | Thomas Jefferson, in a letter to John Adams late in his life. |
| Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. | |
| Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. | Blaise Pascal (1623-1662) |
| A thorough reading and understanding of the Bible is the surest path to atheism. | Rev. Donald Morgan, Atheologian |
| So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. | Bertrand Russell |
| I do not pretend to be able to prove that there is no God. I equally cannot prove that Satan is a fiction. The Christian God may exist; so may the gods of Olympus, or of ancient Egypt, or of Babylon. But not one of these hypotheses is more probable than any other: they lie outside the region of even probable knowledge, and therefore there is no reason to consider any of them. | Bertrand Russell |
| When a religion is good, I conceive it will support itself; and when it does not support itself, and God does not care to support it, so that its professors are obliged to call for the help of the civil power, 'tis a sign, I apprehend, of its being a bad one. | Ben Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac, 1754 (Works, Volume XIII) |
| Every great scientific truth goes through three stages. First, people say it conflicts with the Bible. Next they say it had been discovered before. Lastly they say they always believed it. | Louis Agassiz (1807-1873) |
| People think that epilepsy is divine because they don’t have any idea what causes epilepsy. But I believe that someday we will understand what causes epilepsy, and at that moment, we will cease to believe that it’s divine. And so it is with everything in the universe. | Hippocrates, 500 BCE |
| I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. | Stephen Roberts |
| I condemn false prophets, I condemn the effort to take away the power of rational decision, to drain people of their free will--and a hell of a lot of money in the bargain. Religions vary in their degree of idiocy, but I reject them all. For most people, religion is nothing more than a substitute for a malfunctioning brain. | Gene Roddenberry |
| I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But as much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking. | Carl Sagan |
| Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith. I consider the capacity for it terrifying. | Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. |
| Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. | Philip K. Dick |
| The Church of Rome has made it an article of fact that no man can be saved out of their church, and other religious sects approach this dreadful opinion in proportion to their ignorance, and the influence of ignorant or wicked priests. | John Adams, Second President of the United States |
| Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable. For the most part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told–and become upset if they are exposed to any different view. The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for territory or food; but, uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their ‘beliefs.’ The reason is that beliefs guide behavior, which has evolutionary importance among human beings. But at a time when our behavior may well lead us to extinction, I see no reason to assume we have any awareness at all. We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists. Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion. | Michael Crichton in “The Lost World” |
| History aside, the almost universal opinion that one's own religious convictions are the reasoned outcome of a dispassionate evaluation of all the major alternatives is almost demonstrably false for humanity in general. If that really were the genesis of most people's convictions, then one would expect the major faiths to be distributed more or less randomly or evenly over the globe. But in fact they show a very strong tendency to cluster...which illustrates what we all suspected anyway: that social forces are the primary determinants of religious belief for people in general. To decide scientific questions by appeal to religious orthodoxy would therefore be to put social forces in place of empirical evidence… | Paul Churchland,"Matter and Consciousness: A Contemporary Introduction to the Philosophy of Mind" |
| Give the church a place in the constitution, let her touch once more the sword of power, and the priceless fruit of all the ages will turn to ashes on the lips of men. | R.G.Ingersoll |
| Question with boldness even the existence of a god . . . because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear. | Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), U.S. president. Letter, 10 Aug. 1787 |
| If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. | Dave Barry |
| We have nothing to fear and everything to gain, from the honest pursuit of truth. | George H. Smith |
| I am an atheist. In the event of a medical emergency, waste no time with prayer, call a doctor! | |
| If Atheism is a religion, then health is a disease! | Clark Adams |
| Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt. | Clarence Darrow |
| If Jesus ever comes back, don't you think the last thing he'd want to see is a cross? | Bill Hicks |
| A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. | Albert Einstein |
| Nothing defines humans better than the willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. | Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle |
| [The] whole struggle in this country to give equal rights and equal privileges to all citizens of the United States has been an unpopular one; that we have been forced to struggle against passions and prejudices engendered by generations of wrong and oppression. | Sen. Henry Wilson (R) c.1868 |
| In a republican nation, whose citizens are to be led by reason and persuasion and not by force, the art of reasoning becomes of the first importance. | Thomas Jefferson |
| If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. | Albert Einstein |
| All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit. | T. Paine, The Age Of Reason |
| An atheist who's NOT a pot smoking, vegetarian animal rights extremist, libertarian anarchist, communist porno watching, anti-death penalty hippie. (Well, not all those things, anyway ) | |
| Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. | |
| The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears that this is true. | James Branch Cabell, 1879-1958 |
| And Jesus said unto them, 'And whom do you say that I am?' They replied, 'You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed.' And Jesus replied, 'What?' | |
| In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. | Carl Sagan |
| Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. | J.J. Hahn |
| Where there is doubt, there is freedom. | Latin proverb |
| Do not make the mistake...of thinking that a worker is a slave and that he holds his job by his employer's permission. He does not hold it by permission - but by contract, that is, by a voluntary mutual agreement. A worker can quit his job; a slave cannot. | Ayn Rand, Textbook of Americanism |
| Rationality is the recognition of the fact that existence exists, that nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it, which is thinking… | Ayn Rand, 'Galt's Speech,' Atlas Shrugged |
| Even if smog were a risk to human life, we must remember that life in nature, without technology, is wholesale death. | Ayn Rand, 'The Anti-Industrial Revolution,' The New Left: The Anti-Industrial Revolution |
| Intellectual freedom cannot exist without political freedom; political freedom cannot exist without economic freedom; a free mind and a free market are corollaries. | Ayn Rand, 'For The New Intellectual,' For The New Intellectual |
| If it were true that a heavy concentration of industry is destructive to human life, one would find life expectancy declining in the more advanced countries. But it has been rising steadily. Here are the figures on life expectancy in the United States: 1900 - 47.3 years; 1920 - 53 years; 1940 - 60 years; 1968 - 70.2 years (the latest figures compiled [as of January 1971]) Anyone over 30 years of age today, give a silent 'Thank you' to the nearest, grimiest, sootiest smokestacks you can find. | Ayn Rand, 'The Anti-Industrial Revolution,' The New Left: the Anti-Industrial Revolution |
| There are plenty of people who pray for peace, but if praying were enough it would have come to be. | Jewel, 'Innocence Maintained', 1998 |
| What we call human nature in actuality is human habit | Jewel |
| Think wrongly, if you please, but in all cases think for yourself | Doris Lessing |
| The great thing about getting older is you don't lose all the other ages you've been. | Madeleine L'Engle |
| For fast-acting relief… try slowing down. | Lily Tomlin |
| The basis of world peace is the teaching which runs through almost all the great religions of the world. 'Love thy neighbor as thyself'. | Eleanor Roosevelt |
| The art of being a woman can never consist of being a bad imitation of a man. | Olga Knopf |
| When I am at all hassled about something, I always stop and ask myself what difference it will make in the evolution of the human species in the next ten million years, and that question always helps me get back my perspective. | Anne Wilson Schaef |
| I was once afraid of people saying, 'Who does she think she is?" Now I have the courage to stand and say, 'This is who I am.' | Oprah Winfrey |
| Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. | Elisabeth Kubler-Ross |
| They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. | Benjamin Franklin Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759 |
| Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it. | Mark Twain |
| In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the Unionists and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade Unionist. They they came for the Catholics and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me and by that time no one was left to speak up. | Pastor Martin Niemoller |
| To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. | Theodore Roosevelt |
| Doubt everything. Find your own light. | Buddha |
| In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. | Thomas Jefferson |
| Whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends [life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness] it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute new government. | Thomas Jefferson |